A Cheery Christmas Message?
Do we all get those egocentric letters tucked into our Christmas cards? I am annoyed/amazed/riled by these ludicrous epistles that appear year on year with grinding regularity from people we really do not know/have no wish to know/would run in the other direction from if we saw them first.
We have a distant cousin who regularly regales us with tales of her latest hysterectomy/amputation, escapes from a stalker, and updates on her daughter's latest Brownie badge and super star appearance as the left leg of a donkey in the school play. Last year we learned that the kitchen had been repainted (yellow) and new taps fitted at an unaffordable cost and that she now walked to work to aid her unacceptable weight gain and to save money too. Do we care? NO!!! This cousin has not been seen for at least twelve years although she lives less than ten miles away - because she is a proselytyzing Born Again Christian and very boring to be around!
A close neighbour sent us the most ridiculous one last year, which told of her new career, how well the husband was doing, news of the son's cricket score record, the daughters achievements, the new cars and new schools planned (to save fees) - and other very personal details. This letter annoyed me a great deal as the neighbour's house can be seen from my front door less than one hundred feet away and we hardly ever speak. (I so hope she is not a blogger!) Why did she feel it necessary to tell me about her diploma in holistic massage and love of reflexology? The smug boasting note ended with the wish that "we were all enjoying good health" although if she had glanced across the road, or had spoken to the family, she would have been aware of my ongoing two year battle with cancer!
Then there are the regular pages of A4 from people we met in Italy seven years ago who bored us so much that we moved resort in an early morning escape. They now have a new shed! And of course ... Beryl and Jack ... who could forget hearing all about Jack's mid-life crises affair with Mabel from the office, which he now bitterly regrets and is now back as a new improved model husband? He even makes an early morning cuppa as a daily pennance! What a star.
Oh the joys of Round Robins!
So this is my Round Robin for 2012 ...
What a wonderful year we have all had in the Ponsonby-Smthe household!
Mr Whizz Kid has excelled himself yet again by beating the Olympic Sprint Record for the race to the loo after arriving home daily from the Dog and Fox rather pissed. He is now down to seven pints of Guinness a night after heeding his doctor's advice. Sadly we have had to have a new hall carpet this year and settled on the colour of 'Puce', a favourite of Carpetland: it has proved a sensible choice and barely shows a stain. After his annual Easter trip to Everest, (which he again scaled in record time), we have had his bed moved to the ground floor for the duration of his back problems. He has changed his Mercedes Sport Coupe for a purple Motorbility Scooter, which is proving a great saving on petrol and more manouverable with his bad back and frostbitten fingers.
The Devil Child has continued to entrall us all with his exploits. After the little incident with the pistol and the nine neighbour's cats he has quietened down and was only arrested seven times this year. The girlfriend, Sharon, has been a gem visiting him in prison on a regular basis and was unfortunate to get caught with the heroin in her bra. They should both be home in time for Christmas. They will then move back to their penthouse overlooking the Thames, which is very convenient for the post office where they cash their benefit cheques and there is even parking for the Porsche.
The four older children have formed a pact and agreed to behave for the forseeable future due to the bad influence they seem to have had on their own sixteen children. After ten arrests, an arson attack, four court appearances, three kids expelled from schools and four wild drunken episodes the grandchildren have all behaved reasonably well this year. Mrs Smith from the corner shop has agreed to drop all charges regarding the Samurai sword incident after a happy chat with dear Grandpa Joe and his three pit bulls.
The grandchildren have been an inspiration: one World Record in fencing, (sadly withdrawn after the fatal injury of an apponent), two medals from Macdonalds, a 'Best In Class Award' for not swearing for a whole day in infants school, and a Guinness World Record for The Quickest Breaking And Entering An Alarmed Premises'. Tracey's pregnancy at eleven has provided much joy and Tyrone at nine promises to be a doting dad (you should see him with his teddy bear).
We also were overjoyed to hear from a relative of The Colonel in Nigeria, an old family friend of my Mother's. Sadly I don't remember him but he though so highly of her that he has left us a small fortune in his will. We had to re-mortgage the house and send £100,000 off to his son to be able to pay taxes and expenses before the millions can be deposited in our account from a secret Liberian source. We have been awaiting the deposit for three months and are so excited by this good fortune, which of course is complicated and is taking some time to organise. What fun we shall have next year with our new found wealth! (Of course we shall be giving to charity - The MPs Benefit Fund being favourite at the moment).
The family holiday in Thailand was a delight until we, (all fourteen) were deported because of Uncle Pete's behaviour. The misunderstanding arose through his love of little children and an accident with the elastic in his shorts. I think we may have been able to sort it all out amicably but the two drunken children did not do our cause any favours. We explained it was just high jinks with some Vodka but to no avail. Anyway there was a silver lining as Grandpa Joe fell in love with a seventeen year old girl and made her his child bride just two days after meeting her. She seemed not to mind the sixty year age gap and looked stunning in the mink, the Rolex and diamonds on the way home.
Me? I too have had a wonderful year: after winning 'The Mastermind' title with my speciality subject of the colours and textures of bunions, I then went on to write a best selling novel called 'Smelly Socks', an expose of family life to rival 'Fifty Shades', which has been snapped up by Paramount and is now destined to make me another small fortune, which of course I shall continue to spend on my love of chocolates, botox and wine.
I am so looking forward to hearing your news.